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cantiaohai aka mini_ds

I never lead a normal stable life before.
Life is full of suprises and shocks that leave me heavily scarred.
For some reason, i am giving myself huge amount of stress,
and pushing myself far too hard.
That i am on the verge of break down everytime.
Are my expectations too high?
NO, definitely not.
My dream is high, sitting on the clouds that i cannot reach now.
That is why i needa push myself higher to get what i want.
It's not too early to get started.
But, my hard work, my efforts, sometimes are juz wasted.
I dunno wad to do anymore.
I am so afraid of failing that i dare not touch another
test paper. It's weakening my heart.
How am i supposed to smile immedaitely after seeing
a fail grade. I'm so afraid that my dreams will be shattered.
Coz then, i will collaspe too.
It's my dreams and my faith that are holding me together.
I won't know how to face my mum, who have high hopes pinned on me.
I wanna strice hard and one day when i am
being asked the question... 'Do you think you can succeed?'
i will be able to raise my head high and said YES!!!!!!!!!!

寻找梦想 7:53 PM

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ok...
busy busy busy..
i am like rushing here and there everyday.
so ill be glad already if im not sick!!!
Still got tests de lo..
Life is actually fluctuating...
And, i'll continue to jiayous de.

寻找梦想 9:04 PM

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Today is a sad sad day for me...
Super sad... You know
i think i will feel better if more tears came out.
I juz can't cry anymore. Somehow.
I am sick and tired of trying to be strong
becoz i know very well that i am not.
I dunno how to cope with all these things!!!
With a blow after another blow!
How i am i gonna smile after all this traumas?
Will i still be on my feet, smiling and trying to make everyone smile with me?
Can i still do it?
How many ordeals do i have to face?
It's enough already.
"when you are thirteen, life has the tendency to throw sucky things at you."
But the problem is that i am not thirteen anymore!!!!!
ARGH!!!!!!!
I need pple, to be there for me.
To be there for me for every problem i faces.
I wanna hug you...

寻找梦想 6:23 PM

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feel very tired today.
All these days, i have been doing my homework
but juz today i dunwanna use my brain.
Haiz... everything juz getting sooo complicated.
Tests all the time, and projects.
there's juz no time for me to sigh.
Looking at the children laugh and play...
Yes, i laugh along with them...
But it makes me wanna be a kid once again.
To be pampered and cared for
like i'm a fragile vase that once you drop it,
i will never be the same again.
I wanna be a 2 year old kid that
all the things i worry abt is to eat enough
and play enough and sleep enough.
All the troubles and worries juz doesn't find their way to me.
I dunwanna grow, i wanna stay where i am.
I want time to stop, so that i can savour every moment now.
Who knows wad will happen next?
For me, i rather not know.
I want my mum to hold my small hand and lead
me across the road....
I feel sooo old now.
Time juz flies past me without even seeking my peermission.
ok, there's juz too may things on my plate
and i am having a hard time trying to get rid of them.
It's been sooo lng since i can sit down on the floor
and read a book that i like.
Life is pushing me too hard, that
i dun have any space to breathe anymore.

寻找梦想 8:20 PM

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oho, life is indeed unfair.
Is it me or wad...
why does everyone think that human
being is self-centered and power hungry.
Is that human nature? Then that's indeed scary.
i dunno wads wrong with me.
If wad i said was right above,
then maybe i am becoming more human.
Sometimes, i detest this self of me....
Show-off, arrogant, proud, wanted myself to be in the limelight
and me only... wanted to get noticed, to get recgonised.
I despise myself.
Angry and the others, doubt the others and ostracize the others.
Where's the self of me telling myself that
i have to be happy with wad i had?
Criticizing others and not thinking of my own negative points.
I am getting troubled.
Was it plainly becoz you left and i lost my only motivation to carry
on with my life?
Or was it the many family problems thatt
i had make me weirder?
I am me, and yet not me.
Is this the real me?
getting pissed at everyone else.
I am turning into a monster.
Will i still be able to smile after the whole ordeal?
I know i can't break down, i am the bridge.
If i break, everything will then be gone.
But the question is how long can i still hold on?

寻找梦想 8:20 PM

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lame... everything is so lame.
i've had enough.. and i feel that a change may not be bad either.
ok, maybe they are indeed slightly arrogant...
but it still beats being pestered..
I really dunwan anything to do with you anymore.
So pleast stop.
i know your have the capabilities.
but there is still a certain respect that we deserve.
yes, we deserved it.
becoz, we endured through it and
ya, your will get the chance so wait for it.
it's gonna be over soon.
soon.
everything will be over and i will be freed.
free like a bird.
flying to the sky that really belongs to me!
ya, hope that day will come soon.
i can't wait.
although i know that i may fail and i
am taking a risk. i am
willing to risk it with my entire future, entire life.
as thats wad i believe in.
and i am gonna forsake everything for it...

寻找梦想 8:43 AM

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ME feeling terribly sick now.
GOt cough and it's much worse than before.
Cannot let my mum hear me cough...
Or she will never let me go to mr teo hse!
Other than that, i still got blocked nose.
I can't afford to get sick!
Tmrw got 2 graded tests.
juz hope that everything will be alright!
ok, me feel tired.
i think i will be dying soon

寻找梦想 10:47 AM

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today cip and i went mad
together with jennie and serming
ok, i feel so sorry for not being able to go
and do the chem proj tmrw
haiz... lame reason.
ok then, today really very high!
And serming took several recordings and videos of us going mad!
WAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
tmrw... hope me not sick!
So that i can go to mr teo hse tmrw.
YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!!
Too bad my tests i haven't revise yet.
ohnos...
math and chem... i think i will die!
Graded somemore.
ohnos...

寻找梦想 8:10 PM

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Really very busy.
Like we got 2 tests every single week!!!!!
And chem proj and eng proj and service learning.
I'm like going to die now...
like seriously

寻找梦想 8:19 PM

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busy busy everyday
tests, projs and loads and loads of hmwk.
Troubles, sadness and oh nos.
Worries.. haiz... how to ai2 over.
gonna die le.
looking forward to v day only.

寻找梦想 8:54 PM

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Today is New Year Eve...
And you know wad, i have never feel sadder.
Haiz... the mood in school is not good
and i am feeling tired and puzzled...
The mood with my family is not that good as well.
Ohwells, everything that shld not stay the same,
stayed the same.
Ok, and today i will be having
the reunion dinner with my paternal side family...
With only 2 small girl cousins that we meet
like only once every half year!!!!!!!!!!!
I seriously dunno how to survive later on.
Seriously, if pple you finished your dinner
and you are bored, you can sms me.
So that we can entertain each other.
Oh ya, tmrw as well hor.
Haiz.. NO gambling coz sooooo few pple and
no FUN!!!!!!!!!!! Fewer HONGBAOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ok, but i think everything will turn for the
better on friday when i visit my maternal side family.
Where i get to gamble and play with many many cousins.
haiz.. i think that somwtimes having a brain is
a torture larh..
Coz you will think and think and think.
Even though they are the things that you dunwanna think abt.
So i am thinking of school stuff and
i am thinking of missing sushi.
My maternal side family is having steamboat and sushi
for reunion dinner. Oh no!!!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!











Me dun understand why the pple muz put on the masks.
There is no standard character for you to imitate.
You were all born with different characters
so why do you wanna change them.
I strongly believe that your true friends
will really accept who you really are.
And not just the mask you are putting on.
Maybe your can say that your have your reasons for doing this
but then i sincerely hope that one day you
can take down the mask that is covering you
real identity and face the whole world with confidence.
You may not be perfect but nobody is perfect isn't it.
The very fact the you are not perfect shows that you
are indeed human and human should not
pretend to be someone you are not.
I am really scared that someday when i look around me,
i will discover that pple that i thought i knew,
wasn't there. In fact, i dunno them at all.
All i know is the mask that they are wearing.
I hope that someday everywhere i see
will be all sincere hearts that were exposed and not hidden.
i think it's perfectly all right to show your feelings.
Show that you are unhappy or upset, nobody is gonna laugh
at you or think that you are a weirdo.
I hope that all our hearts can link one day.

寻找梦想 1:10 PM

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I dun understand... Dun understand at all larh..
Can't you just live your own life and
stop bothering us already...
It's getting so sickening and irritating to tolerate
all your nonsense and your fake-ness.
I seriously would appreciate it if you just turn mute and
stop talking to me!!!!!
Oh my god!!!!!!!! Somehow i suddenly wish that i will be
able to leave you, the earlier the better!!!!!!!!!!!!
At first i still quite can't bear to, thinking that you will change!!!!!!!!
BUT NO!!!!!!!! NO mattter how many times we said it into your face,
you dun get it do you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you really want us to SPAT into your face and
saying you SUX!!!!!!!!! Becoz i would have love to do that.
Seriously, can you juz stop barging into our lives already!!!!!!!!!
Juz stay at your level and stop interfering in our higher
levels of life. I'm just soooo sick of this!!!!!!!

寻找梦想 10:38 AM

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