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cantiaohai aka mini_ds

Feels awkward.
Wah people end paper liao wor and I just completed my second one.
Sighs, every single paper that I have experienced reminds me of A levels Economics!
I wonder whether is that good or bad.

Feels awkward.
When I am feeling so manipulated and yet I have never mastered the ability to say no.
Kinda hate myself for bringing these onto myself sometimes.

Feels awkward.
Since it has already begin to feel weird when I show my nude part of my heart, perhaps it is time to STOP IT.
Why can't I just do it?

All I do is agree to it, show that I want it too and then moan alone.
WHY?
Yes, I do want it.
Yes, I still care.
But I don't want to anymore, because I know that I will fall back into that dark hole again. I will feel everything that I've felt before.
I don't want to be manipulated.
I don't want to be nice anymore.
Because I no longer want to be hurt.
But still, I can't bear to hurt him.
Is that the reason why I always choose to go along with him every single time?
And then bear with the consequences alone later?
Feeling imbalance and uncertain and stuff?
WHY?
Why must he always appear AGAIN when I have decided to start a fresh page.
And then my new page will be tainted. And then there is simply no point to start again.
I couldn't understand it, not a single part of it.

寻找梦想 10:53 AM

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Had been mugging for the past few days.
And had my first paper today.
Wah! I have to exclaim when I stepped into the exam hall.
GOT THE A LEVEL DE HEELING AR!
Other than the hall is slightly smaller than RV's hall, everything is almost the same.
Ok, apart from the people. I used to be able to recognize everyone in the hall left, right and center.
Ahwells, reminds me a hello lot of H2 Econs.
10 marks, 15 marks, 25 marks essay questions...
Write until my hand LAN DIAO! >.<

Can't believe it that I will no longer see all my profs anymore.
I mean... they are all so cute and kind! :D
Most of my profs anyway.
Haha while collecting my paper, Paul smiled at me! :D
Ohman, seriously I think I like older men more! Oh god! :/

Rewarded myself with my favourite Burger King's mushroom swiss!
And bought a 3 bucks hairband at Helen <3
That totally brought on my shopping desire!
Retail therapy!~
I shall use the many plans that I have made in december to motivate myself to MUG ON!

寻找梦想 9:23 PM

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Figured that I should come up and blog something before today ends.
Since there is so much hype about it being 11/11/11.
It's really great to be born in this century and to be able to witness this I guess.
While everyone is busy wishing, I was kinda busy mugging.
And having a good talk with my mum which I seldom do now because I spend a lot of time in school and with friends.
It's good to just sit there and listen to her rant about her problems at work.
Makes me feel that at least I could be there for her this time.
So that I can somehow show my appreciation in her always being there for me.
So while everyone is looking out for 11:11 today, I guess I was trying to make today more significant for me in my own ways.
Appreciating how blessed I am and studying out with friends and being so close with my friend's family just makes me feel so warm and fuzzy on the inside!
I feel that everything really has been planned out for me.
Even the tiniest details in life have been mapped out to form the pattern of my life.
And that's why from now on, I am just going to follow my heart and instinct.

I missed my bus 176 in the morning and board 97 instead which allowed me to drop at NUS bus stop to meet up with Huiyuan.
I waited super long for bus 176 at night, resulting in me getting home rather late but this way, I got to talk with my mum.
I put off replying to Anna's tweet because I want to facebook first, and that result in me realising that I have 1,111 tweets.

All these are trivial stuff but somehow they lead to events/things that are important to me.
So while I have many wishes unfulfilled, I am still going to be content.
Because somehow I already know that no matter how bumpy the road is going to be, I will be ok.
Going to huiyuan's house today allowed me to watch A Cinderella's Story again.
"Never let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game."
Many things happened these few weeks, and finals are looming.
But I am just gonna follow my passion and my dreams, and I know that this will lead me to exactly where I am going to be.
And so, today I am not gonna blog about what happened during the past few days.
What I have gone through: weird people, meetings, fun dinners etc
But I am gonna appreciate them all!
Because whether I like it or not, they have already formed part of the chapters of my life. And I am moving on, nonetheless.
So, as people come and go, passing me by, I am just gonna hold on to the people that love me and make the most out of my days with them.
Yes, all of us may have regrets and disappoinment in some parts of life, but we should never let that cloud our vision of the rainbow beyond.

So I wanna take this opportunity in this fateful day of 11/11/11 in this century, I am going to remember how blissful I am now.
I may not have the most perfect life in the world.
But it is already sufficient for me.
And I am going bring the reflections that I have today, to everyday of my life in the future.

寻找梦想 11:39 PM

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When it's busy and depressing, I have no mood to blog at all.
So I guess the fact that I am up here today means that everything is turning for the better? Not.
Natural hazards was a disaster indeed.
I felt a huge blow to my ego.
I thought it was geography-related?!
Ohmygod, my concepts of A level geography was not used at all!
Ok, used a bit, minimally I swear.
I have no idea what went wrong.
Because I didn't memorize every single slide of the notes?
Good job then, because my mind is too filled to do that.
I dunno, maybe I am really always ill-prepared.

Completed my first layout for nanyuan.
Felt really proud of myself when I flipped open the newspaper and stared at the page that I did, and the articles I wrote.
The sense of accomplishment is immense.
But it's also difficult to forget the ordeal that I went through.
Rushing to press conference after lessons, going to concerts alone, researching on opinions piece, going to some weird conference listening to succesful entrepreneurs...
And staying up till 530am in the morning just to lay a freaking and a half page.
Yup, so many prices to pay, for that one sweet smile.
Discussed with the editors what we are going to do for now.

ODAC stopped and exams are looming.
And I find myself more deprived of the people that I love!
Thank goodness I will be seeing one this saturday and a few more on sunday! :D
Brightens up my life seriously.
I need a few breaks and there, a few perks to keep me going.
To give me a pat on the back and tell me it's ok.
Even though I look at my gpa and I feel like shrivelling up and die.
It's so freaking far from 4.5, from first class.
How on earth am I supposed to reach it?
No confidence. Who stole my ego?

寻找梦想 11:18 PM

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