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cantiaohai aka mini_ds

Lost for words.

HAPPY: Did really well for my CS2005 persuasive speech! Prof said I should be proud of myself!

And then... I dunno, everything seems to be going downhill afterwards.
Natural hazards test was zzz...
I don't aim for As, just hope that I dun see that hideous alphabet that I got last time ever again!
I kept telling myself that after these 2 weeks, everything will be better.
Everything will be better.
After these 2 weeks, everything will be better.

But I don't see the perks anymore.
I am getting angsty and TOO sensitive.
I need a break, yes again.
I am afraid that one sight of the people I missed and I will break down.
The tears are bursting out.
And yet I kept swallowing them back in.
They don't belong in this world.
They only belong to me. And that's why I don't feel like sharing it.
But I feel like I am slowly losing the little control that I have.

Went for a press conference today. And it really sets me thinking.
About what is the role that I am and will be going to play in such events in the future. The PR? The advertiser? The journalist?
I have absolutely no idea.
Nope, non at all.
10 issues and I hope that by the end of it, I can know THE ANSWER.
It's all part and parcel of life ain't it?
The uncertainty, the stress. I guess I have to get use to it especially in my line of job and be brave, always be brave.

Feel a little desperate for alone time.
Everything will be better after 2 weeks.

寻找梦想 9:06 PM

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Was mildly depressed this afternoon.
So I bought my favourite Starbucks' white chocolate mocha to cheer myself up.
I figured that I am easily sidetracked.
Or perhaps I just haven't really figure out what I want.
Lost, so easily.
I thought I screwed the interview up.
I thought there goes the opportunity.
I am already committed to ODAC, and I said that it will be okay even if I couldn't get into Nanyang Chronicle.
I was really quite affected by ADdiction.
I thought experience is everything that weekimwee looks for.
So I was hesitant, I was afraid.
I comforted myself even before I went for the interview.
I braced myself for the coming rejection.
I was ready.
I guess coming into weekimwee... It hurt my ego a little.
Like I was never good enough compared to the rest who are so talented.
I just lost track of my own ability and simply thought I had none.
I felt inferior. And I let that thought get into my head.
But I was surprised that the editors embraced me for who I am.
They can accept the fact that I have no past writings to show them for the time being.
They are willing to take me in simply on the recommendation of a senior.
And of that interview that I pretty much screw up quite a lot.
But then I was traumatised.
That was not what I expected.
I have no idea what to do. I came to uni, not wanting to commit to anything.
Then ODAC came. Then this came.
But it's too much of an opportunity for me to turn down.
I need to stop procrastinating. And start on something that can kickstart my journey of dream. Everyone is following their passion and I don't want to stone in hall anymore.
Though my sense of shock turned into mild depression rapidly.
But I am going to take a leap of faith.
Though I have conflicted views in my head that I cannot express, I am going to open this door and see where it will take me.
Went to run as a weak attempt to clear my mind.
I will use this as a potential path to search for my dream/inspirtation again.
Perhaps, this is it.

寻找梦想 9:09 PM

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A sudden pang of inspiration.
It just came and went.
But I've always enjoyed that stroke of brilliance.
Like giving me the power to create with the simple play of words.
Daydreaming is never just daydreaming with me. It's alone time.
It's quality time that I spent with myself.

Went for ODAC family day today at farrer park.
Not bad. Went to try out the new circle line.
Awesome. I can walk to a mrt station now.
And that totally saves a lot of time travelling to school.
BYSI at City Square Mall is so awesome that they are having 30% to 50% sale!
BYSI + SALE = ME GOING NUTTILY HIGH!
I am going back there with my mum tomorrow to shop till I drop! :D
We walked from Farrer Park to Little India to Dohby Gaut.
Totally proud of myself. And I didn't give anyone low blows today.
Ha! Even prouder lols!
First time in my memory that I went to that area.
But according to my mum, I went to Little India before when I was young.
Hmm, no recollection whatsoever.
Didn't eat lunch though because of the amazing race.
I think I am screwing my stomach.
Was thrashing around in my bed on wednesday night because my stomach went into spasm mode.
I was freaking out but I had no idea what to do.
It doesn't give me the vomit or the diarrhoe feeling.
And it just keep spasming.
And it just kept going on the next day and the day after.
And I was really worried. I think I ate something wrong and my stomach was upset.
Feeling much better now, thank goodness. PHEW.

Received the hairband that I ordered on facebook.
The ribbon is a little bigger than I expected, and the colour doesn't really look the same as the picture.
But I think overall it's quite nice.
And it's quite worth the money.
Aunt bought me an ASUS laptop. LIKE WOAH! THANK HER A LOT!
And having cousin's birthday party tomorrow!
Bought her a silver cherry necklace coated with platinum. For a 9 year old? Mature much? Makes me feel quite imbalance.

寻找梦想 9:26 PM

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Recess week is rather a disaster for me.
Ohmygod, I did absolutely NO mugging.
Ohmygod, and I am getting super pressurized whenever I see people mugging.
Argh, blame it on my procrastination.
But at least I got my CS2005 group presentation recorded media done.
And had pumpfest cohesion on wednesday which is absolutely FUN! :D
Haha though I feel super guilty for missing the meeting entirely. OOPS! >.<
First time being to Sheng Shiong @ ulu ulu place near NTU for grocery shopping!
Haha everyone just kept on buying with no regards of the budget! :p
Had a really great steamboat with them!
Hmm, I am so glad that I found another group of people that I can be myself with.
Feels so comfortable with them around!
It makes me feel that I made the right choice in committing in pumpfest!
Sleepover in hall with Jennie! And we talked until about 230am before going to sleep ho! And she woke me up at 940am! >.<

Lols but we nua around eating chocos and watching Friends with Benefits!
Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis HOTTTTTT!!!
Went to HSS library to photocopy readings for China's foreign policy.
Wahlao, damn a lot can! >.<
Sian and I haven't do a single one of them yet zzz!
Yoga was great! :D Did a handstand against the wall! Haha great accomplishment!
And I really like the instructor leh! So cute! (haha not in the appearance way though oops!)
Am going to buy yoga mat and go attend his free lessons! Woohoo!
Ate Japanese Teppanyaki at JP with Jennie.
Ate some fabulous pork belly pancake thing.
I dunno whether it is too huge, or my stomach really did shrink, well I couldn't finish it :/

Slack at home on friday, totally waking up at 1130am and lag around the entire day.
DID NOTHING >.<
Where exactly did my recess week go?!
Went to airport to send Tongjing off.
God, I am so going to miss her T.T
Cannot imagine one year not seeing her *bawls*
Reached home at about 1230am, sighs mum nagging again.
But yea, she will never understand how important that is to me zzz.

Going to WKWSCI's Paparazi Boom this evening!
Shall meet up with the lovelies before going!
And shall attempt to make my 15 bucks worthwhile.
AND THAT MAKES ME WANNA WATCH WICKED EVEN MORE!

Going to grandma's house tomorrow.
Comtemplating whether I should go to Desaru with family during december.
Hmm, I dunno. Tempting thought though :/

And then school's starting again?!
You kidding me right?

寻找梦想 12:46 PM

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