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cantiaohai aka mini_ds

My workplace doesn't allow facebook, twitter, y8 etc.
But they allow blogger?!
Lols so here I am now, peeking over my shoulder.
Hoping that no one comes into the printing room while I am SLACKING.

Went to lunch with Yvonne and Siti today.
Well, it's the first time.
Mu supervisor showed me the way to KOI!!!!
There is KOI near my workplace! WOOTS~~~~
Haha YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Haha she is mad about it too! :D
And even though my supervisor is not so well-liked in the department,
I can't help but be attracted to her.
Not because she is pretty or anything, not in that sense.
But because she is real.
She just shows and talk to everyone in the same way,
in her way, not bothering whether she offended anybody.
Unlike the others who, as I've observed, behaved differently in front of different people.
I am not saying that I despised them.
I know that sometimes, it has to be that way.
You don't agree with the person, but still you still have to smile and nod.
And they are nice too.
My colleauges are nice and kind, I realised.
But this getting involved and being a part of the family thing is
taking a much longer time for me this time round...
And I've thought about it.
Maybe it's not the people here that need warming up to.
Maybe it's me.
I have not been the crazy, zihigh girl ever since I stepped into this office.
Not because the office is gloomy.
On the contrary, it's usually full of laughter and high-ness.
Just that I isolate myself from it.
I am polite. I smile and wave at everyone, but that's it.
I don't show anymore.
What I failed to achieve 6 years ago, I achieved it 6 years later.
A new person, in a new environment.
No one knows that I am damn high actually.
Everyone thought I am a rather quiet, demure, cannot really do heavy chores kind of girl.
Yes, that was and is still the impression.
It's not like I am faking it either.
6 years ago, yes. That's why my disguise fell through within a week.
But this time, I just feel comfortable.
And suddenly, laughing loudly and talking to them about all the things that make me go crazy feels kinda weird.
People here are keesiaoz over korean dramas by the way LOL
Perhaps, I am just tired.
Perhaps, I need a break.
And the quietness around me is a rather comfortable change.
I don't really dread work anymore.
My work is a no brainer. And just maybe, I can survive this after all.
But this work is changing me. I walk like an OL now for instance.
OH GOD.
Hmm, and who knows.
Early contact with the adult world I guess.
But that doesn't mean that I've lost the high-ness in me.
It just depends on the mood, for now.

You are good at this, aren't you?
You always pull me back at the very last minute.
And I will believe you.
And then the entire cycle starts again.
I do not understand.
Why are people so attracted to you?
Why can't they see your flaws?
Or are they like me as well, see it but choose to ignore it?
I thought that if you continue to do this, all will leave you one day.
Or maybe not.
Because they are as foolish as me?
Or because they love you as much?
I feel sour because I care.
And because I know that I am always the one giving more.
Yet, I think that I can't give you enough.
What exactly is that power in you?

I seemed rather tired from ALL of it.
And that's when the escapism kicks in.
My favourite solution, but also the lousiest. I know.
But, escaping allows me to think.
But after I've think it through, whether the people I love will still be waiting for me is another different story.

寻找梦想 2:53 PM

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Work.
Well, I guess it is pretty much ohkay after I've gotten use to it.
It's rather simple.
Well, it's the best that I can wish for I guess.
I dislike office job before because I suck at using com.
And I hate to face com the entire day working.
Not watching dramas or facebook-ing or tweeting.
Hmm, so here I am stuck in the printing room perma.
I don't even have my own table, for now.
Coz people are still guiding me in the room, and they need the table more than I do.
So, I am pitched on a pile of boxes, tearing papers all day long.
Making my shoulders ache.
I picked up my confidence day by day.
But I am still not letting my guard down.
My guide aka I think the most friendly person in the office taught me so.
She told me that this place is more complicated than it seems.
And never to get too close to anyone, in case they stabs you in the back.
Well, I will only be there for 6 months.
Talk and bad-mouth about me if you like, it's not like our paths will ever cross again.
But wow. I've heard of tons of office politics in the world, but actually being able to observe from such a close distance is rather interesting.
Being the non-threatening outsider and letting people tell you all the things about others.
Interesting...
Not to get involved, never get involved.
I will get past the days I think.
Perhaps pack lunchboxes on Mondays and Tuesdays where the print flows are extremely huge.
Pardon me for my analogy, but it is extremely apt.
Can't blame me for it, who ask me to start work on the week that I have my period.
LOLS
My work is like period.
Just that it occurs every week, continously. UGH.
Haha, mondays and tuesdays, the first couple of days are the ones with heavy flow!
Then it subsides, and then eventually it becomes almost nothing.
Then it all starts again.
HAHA OOPSIE for the crudeness.

Oh wells, I need motivation to continue working.
And counting down to A level results is definitely not one of them.
I DO NOT LIKE ROUTINE. (though I am falling into one.)
I WANT THINGS, FUN THINGS FOR ME TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

1) Manicure & Pedicure
2) Style and dye hair
3) Watch movies
4) Dinner
5) Sakura
6) Shopping
7) Universal Studios
8) Taiwan trip

寻找梦想 8:55 PM

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I BELIEVE IN RETAIL THERAPY!
Went to bugis with my mum today in hope for finding more skirts for my work.
Well, I didn't buy any skirts AT ALL!
Haha! Instead, I bought 2 flats!~
One white and rather OL-ly type and one really special one!
Love it!~~
I love the feeling of buying things that I like and discover that they are cheap!
WOOHOO!~~~
THEN! I bought a really pretty Tinkerbell bracelet at HELEN!
IT'S BEAUTIFUL!!
It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen! (exaggeration >.<)
I shall wear it everytime I go out! :D
*coughs* I can survive the first week of work with my current wardrobe.
But I definitely need more!
Because it's raining today, I didn't get to go This Fashion >.<
Perhaps I should try next sat after my work.
Heard from my mum that there is one huge branch near my workplace.
Hmm, and I opened another POSB bank account.
Feels like a fool. I should have done this instead of the OCBC one :/
But my mum says having 2 accounts are not bad either.
Ahh, ohwells then:D


炫耀。何必呢？
把别人说得一文不值，就为了衬托自己的好？
那样，不只是自欺欺人，还显得额外的幼稚。
抛媚眼。何必呢？
故意和男生走得很靠近，就为了让他们围自己转？
那样，不只是玩弄别人的感情，还显得额外的恶心。
每一个人都会有缺点。
所以，请珍惜每一次的包容和忍耐。
因为在乎，所以抛开。
所以才会举起每一足，继续走近。

寻找梦想 9:38 PM

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I got my work!~
Not exactly the perfect job scope...
But what I really want to do, no one will offer me THAT job now.
And so, since the pay is acceptable, I shall start work on monday.
Well, I have loads of things to be grateful for, so I am rather contended.
It's a pity that I can't work with friends, but that is rather expected.
And I get to start one work immediately after another ends, at least I don't have to rot and home and wait:D
I guess soon I will be a no-life OL.
I even have to work halfday on saturdays.
Well, but at least it's near my house!:D
It's precisely all these good points that stopped my complaints and allow me to appreciate:D

Mum bought a new bag for me!~
Went Achorpoint today in hope of finding new pants for my work.
Haha in the end, bought no pants.
Bought Charles and Keith bag instead! PRETTY~~
Still looking for pretty flats though.
My flats are all going D:
Looking forward to tmr's dinner gathering<3
Hope that we can always meet up regularly even though we will all be working!

I have tons of ideas in my head.
Coz I kept daydreaming while slacking at work these couple of days.
I shall continue to write tmr.
Today dun have the inspirational mood.
Today is the high and happy mood! So I shall lalala~

寻找梦想 8:09 PM

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Rather bad day today.
No money.
Rushed out of house in high heels.
Wanted to die while I walked to the furthest bus stop!
And while I sat waiting for the bus, I realised that my heels are like almost broken.
The strap is like holding on by a few strands only.
Panic.
Exasperated.
Then, it's not satsifying at all. Not pleasing.
I guess it can't be this way after all.
I am, unfortunately or perhaps fortunately, not like that.
Yes, I like to take my time.
I like to squeal. And I like to look through things slowly.
I like not making the decisions immediately.
And I absolutely dislike people telling me what to do.
Telling me that they desire other's company in my presence.
And restrict me, limit me.
That. Is. Rude.
If you have so many complaints, if you are insistent of our differences.
Please, let go of my hand.
心中有一种酸涩感。不知道你当时有没有察觉。
当我的手被拿走，从你手中拿走。。。
我的心有一种失落感。
你所能做的事，不是每个人都能取代。
Don't take me away from her. Don't take her away from me.

寻找梦想 7:27 PM

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I seriously need to write something.
I need to go down to that hideout of mine and just sit there.
I need and obviously, I want to slip into the virtual world that I create.
The one world that I can control and manage.
I can create tragedies and blow them away in the end with a happily ever after.
I would rather myself to believe that there is such an ending.
Makes me have more hope.
Changes the way I feel about things.


It feels kinda strange actually.
To be able to talk and joke about it so easily.
And it felt like a confession to me.
好像在和暗恋的对象表白一样。
But... you know, I am THAT uncertain.
你会嫌弃我吗？
因为我小气，无理，占有欲强，小心眼，心胸狭窄，心理不平衡。。。
你会嫌弃我吗？


I know.
I can feel it somehow.
But I don't feel like doing it.
It's not like I hate you or anything.
I love you, very much.
It's just feels weird all of a sudden.
Like I've lost that familiarity.
Has it occurred to you as well? That's why I haven't heard from you in such a long time?
What am I supposed to say when you are put through?
How are you?
I know, redundant questions that I have.
But still... what are you feeling right now?
Is my voice the one thing that you want to hear?
Yes, uncertain again. Of course, what other emotions can I have?
I am only good at that, it seems.


I need all the luck in the world.
And I need all the reassurances.
I want people to tell me that everything is going to be okay.
I want people to believe in me.
Regardless of the odds.
But the question is, will anybody do that?
What will I do if I am left stranded in an island I know nothing of.
And the unfamiliar faces there doubt me?
Will that instill fear and doubts and uncertainty in me as well?
Will that make me lose faith?
And forget the faces of my loved ones and those that loved me?
Then how will I stand alone? And how will I find my way back?
Will the wind only whisper the good stuff in my ear?
And brush the troubles away from my head?
And bring me back to the other half that I left behind?
I just want to hear the good things.
Call it deceiving, deluding. Whatever.
It doesn't hurt me to want to feel better.
I don't want the truth. I want reassurances.
That's all I need to hear.
It can be fake, it can be a weak attempt of deception.
I will accept it, because it's you. And I choose to believe in you.

寻找梦想 10:06 PM

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I don't know what to feel.
Why must you choose me? Of all people?
Am I really wrong?
Are the rest really wrong to judge?
And I am the one with the most fault because I allowed others to sway my thoughts?
Then, are you swaying my thoughts too?
Am I really like that?
So dependent and reliant... Trusting you so much that I just fall into everything you've said, everything you've plotted so easily?
Am I wrong then?
What are we? What do we have?
Will we continue? So many questions, so many doubts.
Do you know that you are doing the exact same thing that you are telling me to me?
Then I am doing that to you as well?
Did you sense it? At the very beginning?
My feeble attempt at hostility?
Did you sense the awkwardness? The very first that we had?
I am scared that we won't.
But I am equally scared that we will.
Please don't push me away first, no matter what your intentions are, and come chasing after me next and telling me how much I mean to you.
Please don't neglect me first and then tell me how much you understand me afterwards.
Though i like roller coaster rides, I only like it physically, never emotionally.
Please don't raise my hopes up way beyond the cloud cover, letting me peek on the fabulous rainbow you coloured just for me, and let me fall free fall downwards, and smile at my helplessness.
Please... If you want, just hold on to me.
You don't have to tighten your grip gradually.
Just don't loosen it.
Or... At the very least, before you loosen it, give me a warning.
So that I am mentally prepared.
So that I can look up at you and smile for the very last time even though you are watching me fall.
But, of course, I rather that to not happen.
But how much longer can I deceive myself?
Can you do me just this favour?

寻找梦想 9:00 PM

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YES! This is the 701th post! 1st post for the new year of 2011!
On New Year's Eve, I was too happy and high to experience the hidden emotions within.
This feeling is rather nostalgic.
Similar to those that I've felt during graduation.
2010...
It's a year full of laughter, tears, conflict and stress.
It's the final year that I can hide in the comforts of the school.
有一种得脱离鸟妈妈怀里的小鸟的感觉。
练习了那么久，终于得独自一人试着在天空飞翔。
害怕归害怕，但失去了妈妈的保护，我们就得学着独立。
勇敢的面对霍大的天空所带给我们的种种难题。
Those friends that we used to be able to see everyday...
Will we lose them? Or all of us will make an effort to maintain the bond?
Will we still stand togther and offer help to one another?
Doubts. Doubts that I don't have before.
I am forced to look at them directly.
But there is nothing I can do. Just wait and see.
With every ending of a chapter marks the beginning of another.
Though the reader may be afraid to read on, the pages do flow.
The book has to be finished, the story has to go on.
And no matter how afraid or how uncertain we may be, I have faith.
Not only in myself, but in everyone.
To believe in 船到桥头自然直。
No use fretting and vexing over the future.
Just live your life in a way that you will, and appreciate and not regret.
We will make it, that far.
And when the new year comes, smile and embrace it.

寻找梦想 10:49 AM

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