Wednesday, December 15, 2010
"Waiting for you is like waiting for a rain in this drought.
It's useless and disappointing."
I heard of this phrase about 6 years ago.
And I never thought that such a heartbreaking phrase can be applicable in my life.
It just gets so tiring, fighting against intuition.
Someday, I bet, someday I will succuumb to it.
I usually act on my intuition, no matter what trouble it leads me to.
But for you, I am fighting within me.
Deep down, I know that I shouldn't trust you just so blindly.
Within me, I know that you are not as great as you try to shape yourself to be.
Once and again, your flaws expose themselves right in front of my eyes.
But everytime, I deny it.
The angel in me has been screaming at my denial, screaming to tell me that she is in pain, and that I should avoid you in order to avoid pain.
But again and again, I have placed myself at your mercy.
I placed myself in a position, vulnerable to your actions.
And, I regret it.
The first time, I convince myself, I let you make it up to me.
I forgive. I forget.
But the scars in me are evidence of your acts.
And even though I no longer remember what you did to hurt me, the pain I felt before stopped me, pulled me back whenever I lost control and moved closer to you.
The scars kept me rational.
I don't believe in sweet-talking.
But I was foolish enough to fall for it.
I let you persuade me, I let you convince me that I am someone in your life.
Long before, I knew that I am not anyone special.
That, lessen my pain.
But then, you have to come in and tell me how important I am to you.
And so I believed.
But how important exactly? Important enough to speak your thoughts freely in front of me?
Important to only contact me when you need me?
I know whenever I am weak, you'll be there.
But in the times when I really needed help, where were you?
Important enough to neglect?
Important enough to shirk responisbility?
I know that you've helped me.
But is it plainly because you were there by coincidence?
Just happen to be there?
是我太天真了吗？只是一昧的相信。
可是，慢慢的， 我对你的信任被你的过度自信给瓦解了。
一点一点慢慢的流走了。
I've let you in too far.
让你看到了我丑陋的一面。我的嫉妒心。。。无理取闹。。。蛮不讲理。。。还有我最自卑的。。。恐惧。
让你知道得太多太多，多到我也有点害怕。
那应该是我信任你的心开始动摇的证明吧？
是不是逐渐的我就会疏远你呢？
我的固执。。。不知道你是否有体会过。
我是一个不会主动的女生，我催了你两次，I prompted you twice.
And I won't do it again.
And the next time you come running towards me, I will hesitate before taking a step towards you.
It will take me a while for me to warm up to you again.
I am sorry that I couldn't be as spontaneous as the rest.
And I have never love you in that way so I couldn't give in to you unconditionally.
Yes, I may be selfish, but you are not exactly the selfless person that you claim yourself to be.
Maybe I should not cloud my eyes anymore and should let my intuition take charge again.
Perhaps then, that will be the best protection that I can get.
寻找梦想 7:06 PM
_____________
